I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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