and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
