News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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