Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
