Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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