I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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