Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I take back everything I said about communal showers
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
