i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
