I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
