You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
