dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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