Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he thought i was a dude.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
