mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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