and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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