You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
