i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
