Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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