i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
