Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
