ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Holy shit dude........stairs
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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