I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
