I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
