I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
