yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
