At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
its liver damage thursday
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
