life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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