My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How external is "for external use only"?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
