I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
