dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
