I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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