she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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