look no pants
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
