My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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