I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
