Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Where did you get a picture of my penis
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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