New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My life is pants optional.
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