I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
