I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
