So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
