Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
