Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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