I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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