There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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