you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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