Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
