Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i believe in u and ur pee
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
