Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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