i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
