If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
