I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
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we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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