wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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