I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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