I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
