it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
