Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
