i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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