drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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