Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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