My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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