When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
