I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
