Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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