Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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