my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My breasts were aching with rage.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
